I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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