My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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