It's never too late to be topless.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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