I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
