I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
