What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
