highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
