i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
