after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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