Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dicks are not precious.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
