We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
