At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
