oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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