oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
