In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
