I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
