I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
