My Higher Power is John Stamos
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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