I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
