Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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