he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
