The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
