oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if only i could text you this smell
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
