Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
