Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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