i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
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Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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