I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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