I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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