Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
