Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
