This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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