At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
