so explain again why im purple
no
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
