he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
