i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
