Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
