I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
