I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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