I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
PANTIES FOUND
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