dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
smell my finger.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
