just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
