Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
