please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My cat gives me a boner
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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