Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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