Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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