my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
