i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
