Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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