We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own