Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...