I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
