i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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