did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
