take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
