I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
