It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
