it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
